Why Shouldn’t A Couple Seek Marriage Counseling First If There Is Domestic Violence/Abuse?

Many couples would seek marriage counseling when they struggle in their marriage, that’s a good thing. However, there are a few circumstances under which it is not in the couple’s best interest to seek marriage counseling first. This includes a marriage with domestic violence/abuse because domestic violence/abuse is different from normal marriage conflicts.

Domestic Violence/Abuse is a pattern of coercive, controlling, or abusive behavior in an intimate relationship, where one person uses such behaviors to gain or maintain manipulation, control and domination over another person. It is a type of oppression, including physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual, psychological, financial abuse/oppression.

Entering marriage counseling first would not solve the couple’s problems in the abusive marriage, rather it would disrupt the counseling process, and would likely to worsen the abuse. Therefore, the couple should seek counseling separately first to address the issue of abuse before it becomes fitting for them to enter marriage counseling together.

The purpose of marriage counseling is to help a couple examine their own hearts and behaviors, helping them to see what they each have done to cause and/or worsen the problems that they are now facing in their marriage, so that they could see more clearly their own responsibilities and then repent and change, growing in grace together in their marriage to glorify God. However, for a marriage with domestic violence/abuse, this model of marriage counseling would often make the abuse worse if the abuse has not been addressed first in individual counseling.

With many of their thoughts twisted, the abusive spouse believe that their spouse is responsible for their abusive behaviors (the abusers often don’t see their own actions as abusive though) because they think that they are only doing these things or “reacting” this way because they feel threatened or offended by their spouse in some way,  so they see themselves as the victim in the marriage, not their spouse who’s been abused by them. Some would even claim that they are just trying to “protect” themselves through their abusive behaviors (again, they often don’t see their own actions as abusive).

On the other hand, after being manipulated, controlled, coerced, and oppressed for a very long time, the abused spouse has been fed/brainwashed by the abusive spouse with their many twisted “theories” (i.e., false and absurd reasoning used to cover up the reality and motive of their abuse), and they often start to believe the absurd theories that the abuser uses to control and manipulate them, so they would often doubt their own thoughts and feelings and turn to believe the labels put upon them by the abuser, such as “I am useless”, “I am stupid”, “I am ugly”, “I am unattractive”, “I am worthless”, “It’s all my fault”, “It’s all because I have upset him/her”, “This treatment is what I deserve”, etc.

Connecting this reality of abusive marriages to the above model of marriage counseling, it’s not hard to see that if the counselor asks the abused spouse to think of his/her own responsibilities for their marriage problems (without addressing the abuse appropriately first) in marriage counseling, then the counselor would become (unintentionally) a “helper” of the abusive spouse to accuse/blame the abused spouse, making him/her feel that the abuse in their marriage is indeed his/her responsibility; and then they are misled even further in this process of marriage counseling to “repent” and “work harder” to make it a better marriage, which is the same as asking them to be more submissive to their abusive spouse – this leads them into a deeper “hell”, giving the abuser more sufficient/“good” reasons to continue abusing them. For example, the abuser might say to their spouse, “Well, the counselor has also said and confirmed that you are causing these conflicts in our marriage, so how can it be wrong? This is all your fault. All of my actions are caused by you, it’s your responsibility.” The result is that the abused spouse are pushed to “do better”, to “submit better”, in order to make the abuser happy and satisfied (which will never happen), in the hope that they would stop the abuse.

However, we know the fact is that domestic violence/abuse and marriage conflicts are two completely different types of problems, the abused spouse is not responsible for the abuser’s abusive behaviors, so the abused spouse’s compromising, trying to be friendly, and trying harder to “be good” will not help or stop the abuse, rather it will cause them to be snared even more so that they become deeply controlled by the abuser and continue to live a very painful life.

Counselors who are trained in abusive marriage counseling would seek to screen and rule out the possibility of domestic violence/abuse first. If they suspect or are sure that there is domestic violence/abuse, they would seek to counsel the couple separately first to address the issue of abuse rather than offer marriage counseling with the couple in the same room together. As this is a very special area and a delicate issue, counselors who are not trained in abusive marriage counseling should not counsel either of the spouse. In this case, it would be wise to seek the help of or refer them to a counselor who’s trained in this area.

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