Author | Sophie Luo

We talk about or we hear people talk about forgiveness so much, and we often hear people tell us that we “must” forgive as a Christian, but we might feel confused sometimes – What is forgiveness really? Can I really forgive when the pain is so deep? What do I need to do to forgive? Do I just forgive unconditionally?

God commands us to forgive others who have hurt us (Eph. 4:31-32, Matt. 6:14-15, 18:21-22, Mark 11:25, Luke 6:37), but there could be so many confusions or misunderstandings about forgiveness that we could feel stuck in struggling to obey God’s commandment to forgive others.

Life could be quite messy sometimes because we are all sinful and imperfect people living with other sinful and imperfect people in this broken world infiltrated and polluted by sin, with our adversary, the devil, “prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking to devour us” (1 Peter 5:8). We have hurt people and people have hurt us, so forgiveness is inevitably a key theme in our lives. It is something that we cannot avoid – we either forgive or we withhold forgiveness, and either way the experience and memory might stay with us for a long time or maybe even a lifetime. Therefore, it is critical that we sort this out and have a clearer and biblical understanding of forgiveness as we seek to follow Christ and be His disciples.

1. What is Forgiveness?

To forgive is to release a person from liability for an offense, to give up all claim on account of a debt owed us, or to cancel a debt owed us willingly. It is an active choice made by us from our heart. In other words, someone has hurt us in a unique way, but we take the initiative to willingly release them from the “debt” that they owe us, not requiring them to pay for the wrong that they have done to us – we let them go “free”, not holding their wrongs against them (e.g., we don’t mention this sin of theirs to them deliberately again, don’t gossip about it to others either). However, they would need to bear the consequences for their sins, e.g., if they have burned down your house, the consequences would include them making compensation for that.

Forgiveness is the opposite of hatred and punishment; it is an act of love, as the Lord says to us in 1 Cor. 13:5b, “(love) does not keep an account of a wrong suffered”. This is not an easy place to get to. However, when we put ourselves in the shoes of the offender, we would see that when the offended person chooses to forgive us and to let us go free, not holding our sin against us nor requiring us to pay for the wrong that we have done, it really is a marvelous act of mercy and grace. Only when we have truly understood the mercy and grace that we have received in Christ from God in the forgiveness of our sins, will we be able to truly forgive others who have sinned against us.

Forgiveness has two aspects: we need to be willing to forgive others in our hearts before God; and we forgive others when they repent.

2. The First Aspect of Forgiveness: The Willingness to Forgive Others in Our Hearts Before God

Forgiveness Is a Christian quality – it is about God and our relationship with Him. What is the mercy and grace that we have received in Christ from God? It is that God, out of His love for us, gave His only Son Jesus Christ to die for us while we were still sinners (enemies of God), so that whoever believes in Christ (believing in Christ means repentance from sin) should not perish (as sinners deserve) but have eternal life (John 3:16, Rom. 5:8). God does not deal with us according to our sins nor repay us according to our iniquities (Ps. 103:10), but He willingly and actively chooses to absorb our debts by sending His only Son to die for us on the cross so as to pay the penalty of our sins in full. And He says that “I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more” (Heb. 10:17) meaning that He will no longer hold our sins against us requiring us to pay for our sins because Jesus has paid for our debts in full when He says “it is finished” (John 19:30) on the cross. We no longer need to tremble like Joseph’s brothers who had sinned against him, fearing, “what if Joseph holds a grudge against us and pays us back in full for all the wrong which we did to him!” (Gen. 50:15)

As Christians, we are saved by grace alone (Eph. 2:8) and we are to live a gracious life. When we believe in Jesus, our old self that is enslaved by sin is nailed to the cross with Him (Rom. 6:6), and we are reborn into a new self that is created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness (Eph. 4:22-24). Therefore, the life that we now live in the body, we live by faith in the Son of God, who loved us and gave himself for us (Gal. 2:20). This means that we are willing to forgive others not because it will benefit us, such as making us feel better, giving us peace, enabling us to move on in life, though these things are often the sweet fruits that we will reap in God’s grace when we forgive others, but because God has forgiven us in Christ and has thus re-created us in the true image of God in true righteousness and holiness.

By saving us through the precious blood of Christ, God has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son (Col. 1:13). Unforgiveness belongs to darkness, and darkness is no longer the world that we live in – we now belong to the kingdom of God. When we choose to forgive others, we reflect the glory of God and bring Him honor and glory. Christ died for us to restore our relationship with God, and forgiveness is a sweet outflowing of our restored relationship with God from the fountain of grace in Him. Willing to forgive others is a Christian quality that marks a new life that has been saved by grace through faith, and it is an expression of thankfulness for our salvation in Christ.

Pain could overwhelm us sometimes when we are hurt, and that is a very normal experience. We are made to feel all sorts of emotions after all. So, forgiveness is not as easy as switching off a light every time that we are hurt; it comes over time and it is something that we need to learn to make an effort to do while seeking the Lord for His mercy and grace to enable us to do so. We cannot do this by our own strength as our natural tendency is to remember the wrong done to us and to withhold forgiveness, sometimes even when the person has admitted their wrong and made amends. That’s why it brings sweet joy and confidence to know the Lord’s promise to us, “we can do all things through Him who strengthens us” (Phil. 4:13). God is always with us in this rough journey, helping us to do all of the things that He asks us to do, including forgiving others.

Forgiveness is ultimately not about the person who has sinned against us, rather it is about God and our relationship with Him. When we take our eyes off of the person who has hurt us and fix our eyes on Jesus (Heb. 12:2, Ps. 61:2), meditating on and trusting His higher purpose in every experience that we have in life (Gen. 50:20, Isa. 55:9), it becomes easier and easier to forgive over time and might even bring us to a new level of gratitude.

3. The Second Aspect of Forgiveness: Forgive Others When They Repent

1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” In other words, when we repent, God forgives us. In the same way, when those who have sinned against us repent, we ought to forgive them. When we are already willing to forgive them in our hearts before God (the first aspect of forgiveness), ready to forgive them, then when they confess their sin and repent, we will be able to extend mercy and forgive them. Just like God says to us in Luke 17:3, “Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him,” (Matt. 18:15)

Here I want to briefly talk about true repentance. When someone truly sees the wrong that they have done and the pain that they have caused the other person, they would have a strong feeling of sadness and regret about what they have done, which should naturally lead to the seeking of forgiveness and actions of making amends as best as they can.

Why does the person who has done wrong need to “make amends”? That is because just simply admitting your wrongdoing and asking for forgiveness sometimes cannot prove whether you are sincere, or you are just trying to get away with a false display of repentance. When you hurt the other person, the trust between you gets broken. Only through admitting your wrongdoing and asking for forgiveness, as well as making amends through real actions, can you show the other person that you are truly repentant, so that your trust can be rebuilt slowly, building the foundation for true reconciliation.

Making amends is a way to show that you not only know and regret that you have done wrong, but you take responsibility for your actions and are committed to making things right for the relationship to be restored and to thrive. It is to live rightly in the sight of God and man (Prov. 3:3-4). Allowing the offender to make amends for their wrongs is very important; it is a way to love them because it can help them think of the way they behave more carefully and seriously, and become a more responsible person in living their life.

There are different ways to make amends, depending on the situation, so there is no one unified answer that fits all. For example, if you broke something that the other person owned, then besides admitting wrongdoing and asking for forgiveness, you should also pay for their loss; if you lost the family money through gambling, then besides admitting wrongdoing and asking for forgiveness, you should also pay back the money through appropriate and legal ways; if you hurt your spouse and children by indulging yourself in gambling or video games, then besides admitting wrongdoing and asking for forgiveness, you should also show your repentance through specific actions, such as making a specific and detailed plan of how to quit gambling/video games together with them, and carrying it out step by step under their supervision until you succeed in quitting it.

For some circumstances, it is wise to be cautious in pursuing reconciliation with someone who has sinned against us. It takes time for us to see if the person is truly repentant and has really changed; it takes time for trust to be rebuilt. For example, if a man has abused you, though he might say he’s sorry and ask for your forgiveness and does “nice things” to “make amends”, it takes time (even a very long time) to verify if he’s truly repentant and if he has truly changed so that you can trust him again and be reconciled fully. Therefore, do not hurry, and do not let the offender rush you or push you to reconcile if you feel it is dangerous to do so at the moment. God does not command us to reconcile with the offender right away, rather, He warns us, “The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.” (Prov. 22:3)

The ideal is that we could have both forgiveness and reconciliation in a relation that has conflicts, but sadly that is not always the reality because people don’t always see their sin and repent. In this case, we are to examine our own hearts before God to see if we are willing to forgive the person who has sinned against us, and to pray for ourselves and for them (Matt. 5:44), even though they don’t see or admit their wrong, even though they never repent nor seek our forgiveness, and even though there is no reconciliation in the end.

Whether we are struggling with conflicts with others, hurt from others, the difficulty to forgive, remorse and repentance after realizing that we have done wrong, or the hesitation or decision to reconcile…let us cast all our anxiety on the Lord, and by prayer and pleading with thanksgiving let our requests be made known to Him, because He cares about us, and will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus with His peace that surpasses all comprehension (1 Pet. 5:7, Phil. 4:6-7).

4. Forgiveness Is Part of Our Sanctification in Christ

Forgiveness is the will of God for us and is the work of God through his Holy Spirit who indwells us to make us more and more like Christ. We are to make the effort to forgive as we are called to strive for holiness, but it is ultimately the gift of God that comes from His grace. As the Apostle Paul exhorts us to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling (Phil. 2:12) in a spirit of reverent submissiveness to God, he quickly turns to emphasize that it is the Lord God himself who works this in us, “for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure” (Phil. 2:13).

We often stumble and fail in obeying God to forgive others as we are not yet made perfect in this life. Our perfect and entire sanctification will only come when we see Jesus face to face again one day, yet we are confident that this good work that God has begun in us He will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ (Phil. 1:6) because He who calls us is faithful; he will surely do it (1 Thess. 5:24). Our sanctification is a life-long journey, and before the perfect Day comes, even though we stumble and fail, we can be confident that we are being made new day by day (2 Cor. 4:16, Col. 3:10) and so we will grow in our ability and grace to forgive others even when things are really hard. Nothing can thwart the hand of God in His will and work to sanctify us (Isa. 14:27, Job 42:2).

May the Lord bless our steps as we seek Him, giving us a deeper understanding of forgiveness, enabling us to give our burdens to Him and in rest let Him direct our path of sanctification. May He help us forgive those who have hurt us and give Him all glory!

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