Loving Your Spouse Who’s Been Diagnosed with a Psychiatric/Mental Disorder

It is a very painful experience for someone to be diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder, e.g., Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia. And it is a very difficult experience for the spouse as well to hear this diagnose of their loved one, as well as to live life together facing many of the difficulties that the disorder will bring. So how do you love your spouse well in such a condition? How do you honor the Lord in a marriage with this particular difficulty? Here are a few important things to consider:

1. Knowledge: Know the Disorder, Understand Your Spouse’s Suffering, and Encourage Proper Treatment and Counseling

Knowledge is very important in this situation. To love your spouse well, you need to first understand their experience with this disorder, so it’s critical that you find out as much as you can about it until you can say, “Now I know what it is like for him/her to live with this disorder, now I know that his/her daily struggle with this is so much deeper than I thought.” Knowing the hardship that your spouse is actually living in their daily life helps you have compassion for them, and helps you understand why they sometimes do what they do. 

For example, if your spouse is diagnosed with Schizophrenia, getting to know the disorder, you may find out that someone suffering from Schizophrenia sees and/or hears things that other people do not see and/or hear, that these hallucinations are so vivid and overpoweringly real to them that they simply do not have the choice to make them less believable nor to stop them from happening; you may find out that they do not function like others in many ways, e.g., they might not experience certain emotions or have motivations like other people do, they might not be able to focus or remember things well, they might look confused to you, and they might have great difficulty socializing or maintaining relationships or employments. Knowing the symptoms and the effects of the disorder helps you understand your spouse and their world better. You would come to see that their world is distinctively different from yours, and he/she doesn’t think or act like you do. You begin to see a world of suffering that could feel powerless to handle when you put yourself in their shoes.

We are made of body and soul. The physical side is real and cannot be neglected. For many disorders, there are useful medications that could help alleviate the symptoms and ease the pain, so that the sufferer’s condition could be more stable enabling them time and space to breathe and think, and to seek the Lord with clearer thinking and a mind that could function better. This is especially important for the disorders with symptoms or effects that could threaten the safety of your spouse and/or those around them. In God’s grace, He has given intelligence to many doctors and scientists, developed many good medicines to be used for the benefit of His people. It is wise to consider these things, encouraging and helping your spouse to seek proper medical (physical) treatment, as well as (spiritual) counseling that is biblical to continually point them to Christ in their struggle.

2. Pray: Pray for Your Spouse and for Yourself

Now with more knowledge of your spouse’s disorder, you might know a little bit better of how to love them well. I want to caution you that before you do anything else, know that this is a spiritual battlefield that you are entering into, and it is not going to be easy. As Eph. 6:12 says, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” 

In this rough journey, you will be facing many temptations, temptations to judge your spouse, to look upon them with contempt, to be angry with God, to doubt God’s goodness and love, etc. So be aware and ready yourself with constant prayers for your spouse and for yourself – “pray without ceasing” (1 Thess. 5:17). It is only the Lord God himself who can and will strengthen your heart and enable you to stand firm in Christ in this battle of faith, not losing hope, but always turning to Him for mercy and grace and thus finding help and hope in Christ. “for the Lord your God is he who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies, to give you the victory.’”(Deut. 20:4) and you are “more than conquerors through him who loved you” (Rom. 8:37).

3. Love: Love Your Spouse as Christ Loves Him/Her

Like you, your spouse is also made in the image of God by the Lord and is loved by Him. The Lord does not despise your spouse just because they have this bodily weakness, on the contrary, their suffering with this disorder evokes the Lord’s compassion for them. For who is God? He is “a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.” (Ps. 86:15) and He “will have compassion on his afflicted ones” (Isa. 49:13b).

As for you, “as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved,” you are called to

“clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Col. 3:12) toward your spouse who is suffering.

Love begins with understanding and compassion. We’ve talked about “understanding” in the first section on “knowledge”. Now what does compassion look like? In Latin, ‘compati’ means “suffer with.” So compassion does not look like an observer or a bystander with sympathy, but it enters into your spouse’s suffering to suffer with them. It shows empathy – to feel what your spouse feels, to feel the difficulties that they face and to feel the pain that they feel living each moment with this disorder, etc.

Theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer taught us great things about compassion, reminding us of what God has done for us,

“We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer. The only profitable relationship to others – and especially to our weaker brethren – is one of love, and that means the will to hold fellowship with them. God himself did not despise humanity, but became man for men’s sake.“

Love is also patient (1 Cor. 13:4a). In this journey, as you face daily your spouse’s struggles (which becomes part of your suffering as well), your patience will surely be tested, so it’s critical to have this awareness every step of the way and be watchful, lest you be tempted to sin against your spouse and against God (1 Pet. 5:8, Matt. 26:41).  Patience is a key element in loving your spouse well. 

What does patience look like? Patience means accepting your spouse’s condition, and accepting the various symptoms that he/she experiences and exhibits in their daily life. It means suffering with your spouse without becoming annoyed or anxious; it means bearing your spouse’s burden without complaint, loss of temper or irritation; it means persevering with a quiet spirit in the Lord, with loving care toward your spouse and with a calmness in waiting for something to happen. What are you waiting to happen in this patient enduring? It is for the Lord’s mercy and grace to reign and shine through you and your spouse, for the Lord’s will to be done in both of your lives, so patience is purposeful and hopeful as it is rooted in the love of God.

In 1 Cor. 13: 4-7, Paul goes on to name many other characteristics of love, and in Gal. 5:22-23 Paul names various fruits of the Spirit, all of which apply to the Christian life, including how you love your spouse who’s been diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder. In this article, we are just highlighting the importance of understanding, compassion, and patience as the starting point in God. As you study the other elements of love and strive to love your spouse in a way that pleases God, be encouraged that your labor will not be in vain (1 Cor. 15:58).

4. Abide & Depend: Abide in Christ and Depend upon Christ

Now, I know for anyone going through this kind of situation, it can feel extremely challenging and difficult to be understanding, compassionate and patient with your spouse who is living with you every day. I want to assure you that this is a normal feeling because it IS very challenging and difficult, and my heart goes out to you. 

Being a follower of Jesus is not an easy task, but it is a holy and glorious task. It is not random because in the Lord’s good will, just as you were chosen to be saved through Christ before the foundation of the world (Eph. 1:4-6), you were also predestined to be created in Christ to do good works that God prepared beforehand for you to do (Eph. 2:10). 

The good news is that God does not call you to do good works, including loving your spouse, with your own strength. Rather, Jesus calls you to abide in Him so that He will abide in you to enable you to bear much fruit for His kingdom, for He says, “apart from me you can do nothing”, but when you abide in Him and keep His commandments, you will receive whatever you ask according to His will (John 15: 4-11), for all things are possible with God (Matt. 19:26). 

After suffering from much afflictions, Paul’s words bring us much comfort and encouragement, “For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.” (2 Cor. 1:8-9) Our God, who is full of goodness, often enables us to grow spiritually through suffering, so that we learn to “rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead”. This is His good will and grace, because the most important thing for us is our relationship with God, for us to live in God’s love and will, becoming more and more like Jesus.

As you lean upon Christ to press on in loving your spouse well, remember the Lord’s precious promise to you, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor. 12:9a) Daily come to the Lord and ask Him to be your strength and be your rock, and He will surely do it (Ps. 46:1).

5. Community: Build a Supporting Community Intentionally

You are facing a difficult task, so don’t try to do it alone. As an adopted child of God through Christ, you are adopted into a big family of love with many brothers and sisters in God’s kingdom. So seek out a community intentionally, and share your burdens and struggles with people you feel comfortable with to enlist their prayers, encouragement and support for you both. 

The Christian life is meant to be lived in a community. Each believer is gifted by God in unique ways to live this Christian life together as one body in Christ, to build one another up with love and to bring glory to God. It is not a sign of weakness to seek help and support, it is a sign of strength coming from the Lord, and a way of living out your purpose in this world as His chosen and beloved. By engaging the wider community allowing them to be part of your life in an appropriate way, you are actually honoring and blessing them as your brothers and sisters in Christ so that their gifts could be used to love the church body and to glorify God.

6. Repentance: Your Sin and Your Spouse’s Sin

We are made of body and soul. While the body can become sick because of the fallen world and it can affect our spiritual life depending on how we interpret it and handle it, the body or illness or mental disorders do not make us sin. We sin because our hearts worship something else rather than worshiping the One True God. So in your spouse’s struggle with the disorder, he/she might sin in various ways, just like we all do in our daily life, and they are personally responsible for their choices to sin. As their partner in a marriage covenant with them, it is your duty and honor to help them see where they are sinning against people and against God, so that you can help point them to Christ in the midst of their struggle for their growth in grace and for God’s glory.

However, to do this, you are to first look into your own life and examine your own heart, to ask God to reveal to you if there’re any grievous ways in you (Ps. 139:23-24), and to repent from your sins, so that you could be right with God, and then come to your spouse with love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith (1 Tim. 1:5), knowing that you both need the grace of God every moment of the day, lest you sin against them and against God in your approach (Matt. 7:3-5). 

Note that for some sins (e.g., domestic abuse, adultery) that in essence have already broken the marriage covenant, you are not required or forced by the Lord to stay in the marriage, but that choice remains yours alone. Sin has to be dwelt with; loving your spouse does not mean submitting to abuse or adultery, nor does it mean remaining quiet in such a situation. It is wise to prayerfully seek help from your pastors/elders or other mature Christian leaders/mentors and/or from counselors (Prov. 12:15, 11:14, 15:22) for biblical counsel that is in accordance with God’s Word. 

7: Hope: Hope in Christ

The hymn that sings “this world is not my home, this life is not my own” expresses a beautiful truth in the Lord. As Christians, our real home is in heaven, in the new heaven and the new earth that the Lord will bring for us to dwell in with him forever when Christ comes again; our life is not our own but belongs to Christ as it is bought with a price – His precious blood shed on the cross to redeem us. This life that we now live in the flesh, we live by faith in Christ and for Christ (Gal. 2:20). 

Like Paul says in 2 Cor. 4:17-18,  “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal”, your suffering and your spouse’s suffering in Christ will end with glory that is beyond all comparison. One day, when Christ comes again, He will right all wrongs, and all pain and suffering will be wiped away; there will be no more disorders or tears, no more sin or sorrow, but only pure joy and glory that has no end. 

Abiding in Christ, relying upon Him as you go through this suffering together with your spouse in this life is a sanctifying process making you more and more like Christ, preparing you to be ready for that glorious day when all things will be made new again in eternity (Rev. 21:5). “For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.” (Rom. 8:24-25)

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