Are You Suffering from Domestic Abuse? – Identify Domestic Abuse through the Cycle of Abuse – Biblical Counseling Soul Care

First, let’s review the definition of domestic abuse. Domestic abuse is a pattern of coercive, controlling, or abusive behavior in an intimate relationship, where one person uses such behaviors to gain or maintain manipulation, control and domination over another person. It is a type of oppression, including physical, sexual, emotional, mental, spiritual, psychological, financial abuse/oppression.

Many people are confused about whether they are suffering from domestic abuse because they don’t know how to make that judgment; they might just feel that something is “not right” in their relationship/marriage, and/or that they feel afraid of their partner. Some people might question their own behaviors, e.g., “My kid was making a scene in public, lying on the floor, crying aloud because I wouldn’t buy him the toy, so I spanked him hard in anger, is that abuse?” The answer is: Not necessarily. We are all capable of violent acts, but domestic abuse is “a pattern of behavior”, meaning that it’s a repeated type of behavior. If you spanked your child hard one time when you were angry, but you realized your wrong doing afterwards, and you repented after some self-reflection, and didn’t do anything violent like that again in order to control them, then your behavior does not have a pattern of abuse, and you are not an abuser.

Since domestic abuse is “a pattern of coercive, controlling, or abusive behavior”, it recurs in cycles. Although the recurring cycle (i.e., the period of time between two occurrences of abuse) varies from person to person, the cycle exists. Now let’s see how we can identify domestic abuse in light of its cycle.

From the perspective of the person being abused, this cycle of abuse has three phases: the Tension-Building phase, the Explosion phase, and the Calm phase. Now I will explain how these three phases recur in cycles.

1. The Tension-Building Phase

In this phase, the person being abused will feel that their relationship with the other person is getting more and more intense, their conflicts worsen, and the pressure keeps growing heavier and heavier. After the tension being built up for a period of time, the person being abused often feels that physical violence is going to happen next (if the abuse in their relationship includes physical violence).

2. The Explosion Phase

In this phase, the abuser will abuse the other person, like hitting, pushing, pulling hair, etc. And the direct cause could be just a very small conflict, argument, unpleasant event, lie or spending, etc. There usually is a period of time between the Tension-Building phase and the Explosion phase, but the length of the period varies from person to person – for some it could a day; for others it could a week, a month or a few months, etc.

3. The Calm / Honeymoon Phase

In this phase, their relationship often becomes calmer. The abuser might try to fix their relationship, might behave like they are really sorry for what they have done in the Explosion phase; they might keep apologizing, admitting that they are wrong, swearing that they will never do it again; or they might treat the other person really nicely, like cooking dinner, giving a massage, offering to take care of the children, buying flowers or food, cleaning the bedroom, etc. Because they seem to be full of love for the other person in this phase, even like when they were passionately in love when they were dating or like in their honeymoon, this phase is also called the Honeymoon phase.

Of course, there are also many abusers who don’t act very nicely toward the other person in this phase, but at least they are not “exploding”, so it makes the other person feel that “he/she is a lot better now”. But that is just an illusion. This is why some of us might prefer to call this phase the Calm phase, rather than the Honeymoon phase, since the abuser is still controlling the other person in this phase – all of their “nice” or “calm” behaviors are just another way to manipulate and control the other person for their own selfish agenda. There is really no “honey” or sweetness in this phase. Plus, the first time many abusers abuse their spouse is in their actual honeymoon – abusers usually start to show their true self when their relationship with the other person is clearly stable.

Therefore, the calmness and the love in the Calm phase is false and deceptive because the abuser hasn’t really changed – they are just using this type of “calmness” or “sweetness” to cover up their abusive behaviors, and using them as another way to control the other person. They won’t talk to you about the abuse that has just happened, but their calmness or sweetness make you feel that they seem to be a lot better, that they seem to really know that they have done wrong, like they are really repentant, so you might be deluded into thinking that “he/she will never do that to me again.”

The reality is, after a period of time, your relationship is back to phase one – the Tension-Building phase. Again, the person being abused starts to feel that their relationship with the other person is more and more tense with more conflicts and growing pressures. After this tension being built up over a period of time, the person being abused often feel that what comes next is physical violence (if the abuse in their relationship includes physical violence). Then comes the Explosion phase when abuse happens, and then the false Calm phase. This cycle repeats itself with no stop or change. This is the pattern of an abusive relationship/marriage.

If you suspect that you are being abused, then think about your relationship with the other person carefully. Think about whether your relationship continually goes through a cycle with these three phases – from when you just knew each other to when you established your relationship and/or when you got married and to now. For example, if you are the wife, you might ask yourself: When was the first time he was violent towards me, either physical, verbal or sexual? When did he do that last time? Did he do anything like that in our honeymoon? What did he usually do when he was violent towards me? What was the most severe case? When he was angry or when we had an argument, has he ever pushed me, slapped me, grabbed my arm, choked me, thrown me onto the couch, hit me with anything, or thrown things at me, or forced me to have sex with him, or anything like that that made me feel attacked or hurt? Think back to your life carefully, and then write down the answers to these questions – this will help you see more clearly of whether you are in an abusive relationship.

Note that domestic abuse is not just physical, like slapping, hitting, or choking you, but also includes emotional, mental, spiritual, psychological, sexual, financial aspects, etc. Examples could include humiliating, yelling, belittling, calling you names, threatening, silent treatment, lying, gossiping, isolating, ignoring, blame-shifting, controlling or exploiting your finance, restricting your freedom, violating your privacy, abusing your pets, forcing you to have physical intimacy, threatening to take your children away from you, making you feel guilty for what they have done, preventing you from getting or keeping a job, having jealousy outbursts, displaying weapons in front of you, controlling whom you can or cannot have friendships with, etc.

Another thing that is very important to note is that the abuser’s control over the other person exists throughout these three phases. So the coercion, control and abuse are not just happening in the Explosion phase. The abuser’s oppression over the other person never stops existing. Listing out and explaining the above three phases of the cycle is just to help you better analyze your relationship because they reveal the pattern of behaviors of an abuser.

After we have identified abuse through this recurring cycle, there is one more important thing to emphasize: During the time between the Tension-Building phase and the Explosion phase (well, even in the Calm phase), it is the best time to create a safety plan for you and your children (if you have children). A safety plan would include ways for you to remain safe while in that relationship, planning to leave and after you leave, when you sense that danger/abuse is about to happen. Creating a safety plan is the first crucial step that you can take to deal with domestic abuse. There are numerous people (and their children) dying in the hands of abusers every year, so protecting your safety is the most important thing to do.

Proverbs 27:12 says, “The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.” This is the Lord teaching us: it is right and wise to hide from danger, from abuse.

God loves us, and sent His only Son Jesus Christ to live and die for us, so that all who believe in Him can be reconciled to the Father, receiving His blessing of a new life and eternal life. We are precious in God’s eyes and He loves us (Isaiah 43:4-5), so He doesn’t want us to stay in the same place suffering from abuse when it is not safe for us. He wants us to seek a safe hiding place, first of all to find refuge under His wings, and He will cover us with His pinions and be our shield and buckler (Psalm 91:4). And then in dealing with the situation in real life, He also wants us to seek a hiding place, keeping our distance from the abuser, especially when you feel that they are about to abuse or attack you. Creating a safety plan in advance can help you succeed in escaping from danger to safety in the critical moments, to be away from the abuser, and then have a conversation with them when they have calmed down.

❤️ For Biblical Counseling Appointments: please click here.

Share this: